don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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