Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
