hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
