Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
