My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
