Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
