I need to stop coming to work sober
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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