Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
