you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
