Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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