Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
