How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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