Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
