I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
