Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
