Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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