I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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