I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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