just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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