You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
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