oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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