I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
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