Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
