I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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