is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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