I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
