2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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