Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
