white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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