You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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