they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
