mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
