mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
