Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
