if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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