i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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