I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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