Tell her she can't have a vagina
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
