Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
