A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
