did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
