So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
