when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i think my mom watched the whole time
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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