Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
