Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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