I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You can't just leave with hair like that
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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