I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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