im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
