I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize