so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
