I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
