then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
