I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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