why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i came on her dog
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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