so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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