i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
