You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
