I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
