thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
