thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
