see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize