apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
