I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
